How to do self-help work – releasing the pattern

Here is how I do self-help work, usually in the morning. It may give you some guide lines.

I’ve woke up this morning sick and tired of the pain I have in my hip for couple a days now. As a matter of fact, I got sick and tired of it last night- last night was a culmination. And not culmination of the pain but culmination of me “enduring the pain”; culmination of me waiting for pain to go away; culmination of not being able to sit on a chair or armchair or computer chair or bed or where ever, culmination of just laying down waiting for pain to go away; culmination of me trying all sorts of things – medications, remedies, ointment, exercises, … you name it I’ve did it! And nothing helped. Even now, while writing this, I change my posture every couple of seconds, adjusting my posture to avoid pain (blaming all the chairs at my home) – not succeeding in finding the good posture to sit without pain.

I was trying to find out the reason for this pain since it started, but last night I knew, I have to go deeper and more seriously into “finding out” what is going on, what caused it, how did I create it, what this pain tries to tell me, what my body is trying to tell me.

Thus, when I woke up, I was determined to try and get to the bottom of this condition.  I usually do this type of self-help work in the morning – either I wake up with an answer or some clue or I need to do it this way that I’m going to show you now.

I believe in signs and that if we want to know something (and if its right time for us to find out something, learn something) our soul will give us answer in some way. For that reason I sometimes use books – I take some book of some author I trust and learn from, like Osho, and ask the question or think about situation I need an insight about and then close my eyes and open the book by intuition or better to say, I open the book at some random page and then read what is there, looking for the answer to my question or problem. For me this works every time, every time I get the answer I need, sometimes clearer then the other, but answer is always there.

Today, instead of the book I’ve used laptop. I’ve turned on laptop and went to “youtube” . Typed in search “Abraham” (not even Abraham Hicks – and there are plenty Abrahams on YouTube – lol) and before I’ve pressed Enter on a keyboard  I’ve closed my eyes, and afterwords I’ve scrolled down a little with my mouse, still my eyes closed, and clicked. Video didn’t start right away, so I moved mouse, thinking I didn’t click on right spot for video to start, scrolled down again and clicked several times. Then I’m thinking, I can open my eyes now and click where I should for video to start, my mouse is already there, on the answer, and I did – opened my eyes and saw, I’m on the page of one video of Abraham Hicks, but I’ve scrolled down little too much and my mouse is on comments instead on video. The comment was simple: Downstream, downstream, downstream, downstream….., just this one word, written maybe 30 times.

MY SOUL WAS ANSWERING ME VERY CLEAR – I didn’t realize it right a way, but scrolled up to watch the video, and the video was about  The Stream of Well-Being that flows from Non-Physical Source, and explains how manifestation occurs – you can watch video here on my site if you like >>click here<<

I’ve watched this video and start writing here to share this video with you and it just came out of me – insight :

I HATE LAYING DOWN!

I HATE LAYING DOWN AND WATCHING TELEVISION – unless there is something I really like to watch, but in that case its an hour or so and of I go!

I HATE DOING NOTHING!

WHY?!!!

It makes me feel useless. YES, THAT’S IT! Why do I feel useless if I don’t do anything, if I just lay down and watch tv or read or … just do nothing?!

I don’t mean people should just lay down and do nothing, but, why is it such a big problem for me, that I have to be in pain in order to lay down, do nothing, watch tv,..

It crossed my mind that, 2 days ago I’ve changed hosting package for my site, which meant I don’t have anything to do till people from hosting company transfer my site and fix everything for me ( obviously adding stress to my “issue” of having problem with doing nothing). At that moment thought crossed my mind, “I will not be able to work next 24 hours – that’s what they told me how long it will take. And for a brief moment there I’ve felt relief, felt free that I “don’t have to” do websites, felt free of obligations, like I got a vacation time. At the same time, with that feeling of freedom, question arises – what will I do tomorrow? And I’ve thought of many other things I can do for website offline, many other things that are already waiting for me to do, for some time now. Those things “that I can do offline”, pushed the feeling of relief and freedom aside and exchange it for “feeling of pressure” again, feeling of pressure I had before I’ve got the “permission” to do nothing – lol. Now that I think about it, God gave me permission to do nothing and I’m already planing what can I do next – how crazy is that?!

But, last night was 36 hours of “doing nothing” and things were not fixed yet which meant it will prolong my time of  “doing nothing” at least till this morning. AND PAIN CULMINATED! Of course I didn’t realize that last night, but just now – and thank God I did, at least now.

I’m thinking, this pain didn’t start 2 days ago, it started before! When? Three days ago, I was at my friend’s house, at “what I like to call HEAVEN IN BELGRADE” (there are some pictures of my peace of heaven on “photo blog page”). She lives in a house, with yard, and she lets me go there and enjoy fresh air and peacefulness and her garage as storage. I love to go there. Did I tell you I dream of having my own house with yard?! Oh yes I do. I yearn for peace and quiet of the house with yard. I yearn for being able to be outside by just steeping out of the door. I yearn for living in a house with yard for so many reasons that it would take more then this article to explain.

That was another insight I had last night that I thought at the time “it’s just my craziness” – at one moment of enormous pain in my hip (and I’m really not a cry-baby, my level of enduring pain is sky high), I’ve shouted out loud  “This yearning for my house is killing me and I don’t know how to stop yearning for it”. 

Anyway, back to “when the pain started”. I’ve went there to wash my carpet.  I was enjoying it, enjoying that I can put a carpet down to the ground, water it with garden hose, splash the detergent on, clean it with brush, make the white parts really white. I’ve enjoyed rinsing the detergent of it and noticing real colors on that carpet, its true colors, not some smudged colors as when I get it from the cleaner or  wash it in my washing machine (I have carpets that are easy to wash cause I have dogs and the carpets get dirty easy, and on another hand I love having carpets on my floors). I was enjoying every minute of this and yet at the same time, the thoughts were going through my mind like “it’s so great when you have a yard, but I don’t have it”, “When will I do this in my OWN yard”, “why I still don’t have my own house”, “will I ever have my own house, since I can’t afford it”, ect. All these thoughts diminished the joy I was supposed to surrender too, the joy of even being able to be there, in that beautiful spot, at fresh air, cleaning my carpet, playing with dogs, ….

And, as the time to go back home was approaching, the pain started – I’ve got little afraid that my lower back can get stuck and that I will not be able to drive back to my apartment, but I’ve managed to calm myself thinking, “who gives a hack, this here is great, I’m not letting my back put this great feeling down”. And my back didn’t get stuck, and I did manage to get back home. But, that was the moment my pain started again.

Thus, what I have here, in this situation?!

(here is where real self-help work starts and how it goes down to the bottom of the issue as much as it could in this moment of my life path)

I’ve got a piece of paper and start writing down the stream of thoughts that were coming up in my mind- not picking up thoughts that I think are important, but just follow the stream of thoughts.

I am willing to release any mental pattern that caused this pain. I am willing to release any mental pattern that has a need for this pain.

(this is usually the sentence I start with and help me go on in digging deeper for real reasons to come out of my conscious or subconscious mind – the sentence I’ve learned from Louis L.Hay work)

>First, I gave myself permission to do “nothing for money”, but enjoy washing my carpet at fresh air.

>Then I got a pain – why I was punishing myself?

>Was it cause I left “loads of things” that needed to be done at home, for my websites, and got out to have some fun, some enjoyment???

>If  this is it – why don’t I let myself have fun and enjoy life? Why don’t I let myself have a break, do things I like; is it that I only “have to do” things that make money? I do love what I do here, with websites, but even though I love writing, it comes down to “earning money” which takes pleasure out of it!

>Why for me “earning money” takes out pleasure of the things I like to do in a first place?! It was like that even at college when I had to learn “History of Art” for an exam – it was so hard for me to learn even though I’ve loved the subject, that I decided just to learn for exam and then read it all over again afterwards for my own pleasure!

> because I need money for living??

> but I don’t earn anything anyway?!

> because through my work people are validate me?!!

>Is this why I hate doing nothing – cause doing nothing means not earning money, not being useful, valuable, worthwhile human being?

>What gave me the idea in a first place, that I am not useful, valuable, worthwhile human being if Im not doing something that as result has money?!!!!

>where does this belief comes from, who did I learned it from?

>who made me feel useless, worthless if I was doing things  that are not making money, things that are worthless in their opinion? when I was doing nothing? when i was enjoying myself and having fun????

>who thought that person should just do what is useful and that is making money (in what ever way – making money is not just getting real money for your work, making money is also earning your food or cloths or roof over your head – whatever you do can be for that reason and provide you with that – it’s not just actual money);

(All the feelings I had in this process of writing down my streaming thoughts led to image of my mother coming up in my mind)

>OH MOM! Why did you do this?! (At this moment I imagine my mother on the theater stage in front of me) Why it was so hard for you to watch me do nothing, but enjoying myself? Why was it so hard for you watching people enjoying themselves and still have food and shelter??? Why did you envy those people?! Cause you were not able or in situation to be careless about money??? I get it. You had to make everyone be like you in order to justify your situation, your life, your way of thinking, your way of doing things – you had to be right and rest of us wrong, in order to have good opinion of yourself and keep your life enthusiasm up. That’s why you took it out on me – you couldn’t on anyone else – no one cared what you think, but me. I was the perfect subject for your exercising of “your power and building your self-esteem”. It’s awful what you did, and what you thought me, and how you treated little kid, but I know you thought, at least at the surface of your mind, that you are doing the right thing for me, teaching me “the best way to live”.  And I know that you have no idea how much you hurt me in those moments and how that reflects now – as you can see (I know you do, out from that other realm), I’ve turned out into workaholic running around this life like a runaway train no stop anywhere, no breaking point, no rest, no enjoyment, just work, work, work. I need to be in pain in order to give myself a break!!! I know also that you envied me that I can relax and enjoy life and that is part you didn’t realize. Shame on you, not letting me enjoy life cause you didn’t know how or didn’t alow yourself too. I know you were not aware of your envy, that’s the only explanation for treating me bad. Do you feel sorry for me now as I feel for myself, thinking of it?! I feel sorry cause I know it will take loads of work to release this pattern, but I feel more sad than sorry, sad that you, my mother, did this with no awareness of what you are doing; I know, it’s not your fault, I just feel sad for all the mothers in this universe that are not aware what their actions and believes are doing to their kids. For all those mothers that “take it out on their kids” all the problems and frustrations they have inside of them, instead of loving them and protecting them from exactly the same things – from problems and frustrations, helping them be careless and free and joyous and relaxed and having fun, enjoying this life. I know you didn’t let yourself be and live like that, so you couldn’t teach me, protect me. It is sad and such a shame, but I forgive you.

I forgive you for treating me like punching bag for all your frustrations. I forgive you for teaching me that I’m not worthwhile if I’m doing nothing, if I’m enjoying life. I forgive you for asking and asking and demanding and demanding of me to be perfect in your way of thinking. I forgive you for trying to make of me a machine, machine with no feelings. I forgive you for not understanding my feelings, for not even noticing them and for making my feeling unimportant. I forgive you for not taking me seriously. For not taking seriously my way of looking at things, my way of experiencing life, my way of feeling about life, for feeling life.

I forgive all the mothers and all those who ever didn’t allow and let kids live carelessly and joyously and free. Everyone who burdened kids with their own negative ways of looking at life and living lives. All those who ever thought kids that money is life, that money is only thing important in this life, that they have to work for money, that they have to be serous and work hard for living, that their work show what they worth is.

I forgive all those people that every validate anyone by their income or success. Mom I forgive you for validate me through my achievements and that I was never good enough for you, that you never praised any of my achievements,  I forgive you for criticizing me over and over again no matter what I did. I forgive everyone who ever criticized anyone.

I forgive you all and I set you free. You are free and I am free. God bless you and give you all the clarity and wisdom of this universe and all the unconditional love there is out there. Amen.

(I let them, my mother and who ever crossed my mind during this process, to get out of the stage to the right and leave – sometimes my imaginary stage is not big enough for all and then I imagine big stadium, they are at the field and me in audience, and they are leaving the field through one of those entrances/exits at right, that are on stadiums for players to go in or out)

In this exercise/process, I’m using imagination and piece of paper. At the end I rip that paper in pieces and burn it as my way of giving God (or whoever you believe in, your soul, or whoever) giving it back what I don’t need anymore, what I’m releasing.

But this is not the end of the process. During the process you emptied part of your being, let it go, got it loose. Void is not something that can stay empty for a long time, there is no void in this universe. You would like to fill it with something new and positive and not to wait for life to fill it with something random and unconscious – cause mind needs training and control in order to change from negative to positive. Thus, give it something positive. Take another piece of paper or better some notebook or word-file and write down all this that you’ve concluded here, before as negative, turn it into positive statements, affirmations. I’ll give you here example as it comes to my mind considering the pain and what came out of it:

I love and approve myself as I am.

I am worth living as I am.

I give myself permission to be whatever I like to be and to do whatever I like to do.

I love money and it loves me. Money comes to me with ease. I enjoy whatever I do and therefore money flows through my life with ease. 

I am successful person no matter what I do. Whatever I do is success. I love my work. I love having fun. I enjoy all the activities life offers.

I am proud of myself as I am. I am wonderful as I am. Every day I’m growing in every possible way. Whatever is going on in my life, it is for me greatest good. I trust myself. I trust life. I trust the universe. I trust life.

I am lovable as I am. I am loving. I deserve love and praising. I accept love and praising and approval. I get love and praise and approval every step of my way.

I love, praise and approve of myself. 

All is well in my world.

 

Here you are. Hope it will help you for your own self-help/growth work. Muahaaa and shine like a star that you are.

P.S. Needless to say, but I will. By the time I’ve published this article, pain in my hip and leg was starting to dissolve – and now it’s not even half as strong as it was. Maybe it needs some more digging, to disappear totally?! I’m still not sure what’s with that part about “my yearning for my own house is killing me”- need to get back to it cause I know it has some message for me- yearning is not suppose to kill you and it’s not suppose to be a burden and pain, but fun and joy. There is always more to do – self-help work is endless journey because there is always something better to look for, something more you want or like or aim for in your life.

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